The Perfect Man

So I should start by admitting that this entry started out being titled "The Perfect Guy," but my own internal semantic argument convinced me that anyone who would described merely as a guy could not be perfect. So here we are with the perfect man.

Apologies first to anyone who was hoping to read about the Hillary Duff, Heather Locklear, Chris Noth movie that is currently playing on HBO around the clock. This is not to say that Chris Noth is not the perfect man. I honestly don't know him well enough to say for sure. I've been a fan of his since his first seasons of Law & Order and actually saw him on Broadway in the revival of a Gore Vidal play. The tickets were a birthday present and we couldn't have been ten rows from the stage. What did I take away from being so close to Mr. Noth? The man has enormous feet! I mean, like seriously huge!! Granted, in the first 10 or so rows of the theater, that's the part of the cast of which you have the best view. Perhaps from the balcony they appeared to be more in proportion with him and with the feet of the rest of the cast, but I doubt it. But enough about big foot.



I am tempted to, and in the past have, believed that the perfect man exists only in the reality where Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, honest politicians, compassionate conservatives and a skin cream that gets rid of cellulite also reside. That would be the reality where I have an extremely high metabolism and am physically capable of tanning, instead of being a melanoma waiting to happen. We were brought up to believe we would meet that perfect person and (wham!) we would know it. And even though the realities of married life and marital discord were all around us, we still believed that someday we would find that magical perfect man and even more importantly, we would recognize him for what he was ~ our future. But as you grow older and wiser, you realize how much time and place come into play. You not only have to meet the right person, but at the right time and place in your life, otherwise it's all missed opportunities. The scariest thought is that you met your perfect man years and years ago ~ like he was the little boy that you were best friends with in kindegarten, who had both Mr.& Mrs. Potato Head and loved the soundtrack from The Music Man, a little boy you adored so much that you wet your snowsuit to stay outside playing with him waiting for his mother to pick him up, rather than go inside and take the time to get out of the snowgear and use the bathroom. (hypothetically) How can you possibly recognize perfect when you don't even know who you are going to be??

In my later years, however, I have become more philosophical and perhaps more generous to the realities of the world. Perfect isn't an exact measurement; it's a generalization or comparison to what else is out there. I think I've also admitted to myself that in general I don't know what I'm doing and half the time I don't know what I want.

I have watched my friends and family members get married and remained the last woman standing (alone.) I've sabotaged myself on a regular basis. I announced when I started graduate school that I was not going to get involved with anyone I met at the university ~ it had a very bad track record: it was where my parents met and where my uncle met his first wife and I'm sure there are more horror tales, but I didn't want to risk an apparent family curse. I was initially joking about it, but it turned into a self fulfilling prophecy.

I have an aunt who is only about 20 years older than me, the product of a large Irish family and the fact that my mother came before the postwar baby boom and the rest of her siblings came after. My mom had a little generation unto herself in her family. But back to my aunt. She's been dating on and off most of my life. When I was in junior high or so, she had a whole set of standards ~ the weight requirement (he had to weigh more the she did); the height requirement (he had to be at least as tall as she was, preferably taller); the hair requirement (he couldn't spend more time or money on his hair than she did) ~ and that's all I can remember. But there was constant criticism of different men who didn't meet the weight requirement or didn't meet the hair requirement.

I've never had "requirements" like my aunt's. But I can be rather difficult. Friends, hairdressers, complete strangers have criticized me for being too picky. But why should I settle? Yes, I can be a little quick to judge. There was the guy who didn't wear his seatbelt, which was bad enough (we were in graduate program for Public Health for god's sake!!!), but then he mentioned that he graduated from college with one of my best friends' little sisters. In a family where the eldest sibling was a close friend of my sister's, the middle child was a friend of mine and the youngest always seemed to be, well, really young, someone who was her classmate was just WAY too young. Then there was the guy who flirted with the teenager who served us ice cream while we were out on our first date. If it had been a male teenager, it would make for a really funny story, but since it was a 16 or 17 year old girl, it was just grotesque. Then there was the guy who talked at me for nearly 3 hours and didn't even seem to notice when I stopped listening. Or the guy who some really good friends tried to set me up with ~ whenever friends try to set you up, it really makes you wonder how they really see you. He had this killer West Virginia backhills accent and this kind of scrub brush mustache and just didn't get my jokes. He just wasn't that quick on the uptake.

So I guess you're supposed to keep plugging along and meeting new people and waiting for that right person. Just keep kissing frogs, so to speak.

Here's the thing. What do you do when you realize that the innate imperfections of everyone are not so much related to their faults, but to the fact that they don't measure up to someone else? That you have subconsciously had an ideal that you've been using and that you're unwilling to accept anyone who doesn't measure up to that person?

It's not a completely new idea. After my college boyfriend and I broke up, I actively sought out guys who were different from him, lacking his habits that drove me nuts, even if it meant sacrificing some of the better qualities that I really wanted.

But back to this ideal ~ assessing the qualities of new people and dismissing them because they don't measure up. He doesn't seem loyal enough; he doesn't get my sense of humor; he's completely full of himself; I could never imagine showing weakness in front of him; he's never very upfront about things and I don't think he's all that honest; he has no idea of where I'm coming from; his smile doesn't automatically make me smile; I think I might frighten him; he just doesn't get me; he will never understand me..... It keeps coming back to one person. And I didn't even realize I was doing it. Maybe I'll eventually find someone who is his equal. Maybe he's doing the exact same thing with me and may or may not realize it. Maybe he's never even thought about me in that way. Maybe if he ever reads this and realizes what it means he will be completely freaked out and never speak to me again.

I have no idea. All I know is that we both want the same things. We have a great deal of affection for one another on at least one level. I could just call him and tell him, but the dead silence on the other end of the phone is not something I want to experience. You really can't drop this on someone and expect some coherent conversation. And what would I say? I'm having trouble meeting the right guy, because they just don't meet my standards and apparently, my standard is you. So, you could say that I've already met the right guy. It just took me a really long time to figure that out?

Yeah, I don't think I can make that phone call. And I'm terrified of actually posting this. But the only constant in life is change. So I guess I toss the big rock into the pond and wait for the ripples to either make their way back to me or just die out.