Thursday, November 30, 2006

MY life

Do you ever get the feeling that you're not really living your own life?

I mean, sometimes it just seems like your whole existence is for the convenience of others.

Right now, my sole purpose appears to be to provide lodging and transportation to visiting grandparents and to act as back-up parent for my sister and brother-in-law. What I want is really inconsequential. SERIOUSLY, would I really vonlunteer to have my mother visit me for two weeks over Christmas??

So what do I want?

Apparently only things I can't have.

I met a guy. Someone actually worthwhile for a change. I don't know, the first time we actually looked into each others' eyes it was like, spark? And we had this great date. We talked and we laughed and he did that thing that no one ever does, he swept my hair out of my face. Thirty years my hair has been falling in my eyes and no one else has ever taken it upon themselves to move it.

So, obviously, he's leaving the state in two weeks. And he'll be gone for at least four months. Maybe never to return.

And I'm completely broken hearted about what will never be.

We agreed we wanted to continue seeing one another. Have we?

You'd think he'd be wanting to make time for that if it were important, right? So do I jump head first to the conclusion that I'm just not *that* important? It's never failed me in the past...

In fact, it's allowed me to go on believing that I've never been particularly important to anyone. I'm not saying this isn't true, I'm just saying it's what I believe.

So, today, on a particularly cold day in TX, when I'd really just like to sleep (it's one of my better options), I'm off to pick up dinner for the whole big happy family. Do I get to tell them that I'd really rather be alone?

At least then it's my life.

Monday, November 27, 2006


I've always believed in opportunities.

You come across them throughout your life and it's left to free will whether you act upon them. We have missed opportunities; blown opportunities; those that we've squandered and oh so many that we never recognized for what they were.

I've been thinking recently about exactly how many opportunities we get in life. We can't be allowed an infinite number. It would be like a little league baseball game where you could wait for your pitch forever and never be expected to swing. That can't be right. At some point, fate or a higher power or whatever, has to stop throwing these opportunities in your path. You have to take what you're given and run with it.

So what does that mean? Hell if I know????

I'm the one pushing the late thirties who has been sabotaging herself for decades!!

I'm lying. I do know what I think it means. It means that when an opportunity is place in front of you that you grab hold and fight tooth and nail to keep it if it's something you really want. Even if it is only temporary. Life is made up of experiences. Of hours and evenings and days and weeks and months. It's never been about quantity, only quality.

Why would you marry a man who was two weeks away from leaving for the South Pacific to battle the Japaneses in 1942? Then find yourself pregnant having his child and not see him again until October of 1945. And let's be honest. His ship was sunk at Guadlacanal. I don't believe there was some magical true love that existed between my grandparents. They would have set a better example for their own children if that were the case.

When they were presented with the opportunity of one another, they just recoginized that it was something worth holding on to; something worth acting on. Maybe that's all life really is.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Welcome Baby James

I'm an Aunt again!! James Augustin (named after my dad) joined the family this morning. He and my sister are both healthy and his big brother is excited to bring him home.