Tuesday, May 31, 2005

No foxglove for me!!!

I've been kind of wondering/obsessing about how one extract digitalis from foxglove for the past few weeks. (Need to watch X-Files Eve6 episode again!) I mean, really, is it in the leaves or the sappish liquid in the stems? This knd of morbid curiousity (emphasis on morbid) has prevented me from including foxglove with the other perenniels I have planted in my front yard this year.

But, today at Home Depot, they had these gallon pots of apricot foxglove and the folliage looked just fantastic!! I mean like, toss it in the salad spinner, serve with sliced roma tomatoes and Ranch dressing, fantastic. Yeah, step away from the garden center now....

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Parental Supervision

Richmond, VA

So, Daddy's here. I can't be left alone, don't you know? He brought up the idea of me returning to New Hampshire with him, something that my sister mentioned to me last week. Seems like Mom discussed this plan with everyone before me. To hear her tell it, Dad blew the timing. He was supposed to wait until Monday and then casually mention that I could come back with him. Now that I think about it, that sounds oddly like the way I dropped out of college. They waited for me to be discharged from the hospital, let me go be to classes fro a day or so and then casually suggested that I could just go home.

Home. What on earth would I do in NH? Mom's gong to be at a conference in Vancouver and Dad will be working. All my friends up there have jobs -- not that I'm much for socializing. So, basically, I'd be alone without my stuff without my freedom without my bearings -- yeah, that sounds like a terrific idea. And I can't help but think of the last time I retreated -- college. Oh, god, it sucked. I was so lost. I have never felt as crazy in my life as I did in that house. No, it's not worth that.

And Dad has started asking the hard questions. What do I want to do next? Do I want to go back to my job? Do I want to go after my boss? I have a decent harassment case, but do I want to put myself through it? When it's all through, it will have been more than a year of my life, possibly two, that I will have lost to this episode and its fallout. It's an awful lot to lose when you actually have someone to blame.

I want to be vindictive. I'd love to just name her in the medical release/HIPAA lawsuit and get her far enough in to place liens on all her property and just completely fuck up her credit rating. That would make me happy.

Dad said that the key was to get me through this with the least amount of damage as possible. FUCK! How did I miss the no damage bus?? Explain to me again how any of this is fair?

So I actually had to listen to two of my married friends talk about what a horrible life another college friend had. She has some kidney disease that she is getting chemo-lite for and apparently her husband can't hold down a job because he can't "find his place."

Yeah, that just REALLY sucks. A disease that actually can be cured and has at least some end point. And being loved and not being alone even if the company is deeply flawed. Yeah, that's just ROTTEN. Do you ever wonder if people realize it when they're having these conversations in your presence? I'm definitely all into feeling sorry for this flaky girl I never really liked when I'm in the process of being shuttled around amongst family members because they're terrified I might kill myself and I'm mourning the loss of myself. I've just spent the last nine months of my life being tormented by the director of my department to the point where I'm on medical disability leave because I'm suicidally depressed. Yeah, I can feel the outpouring of empathing for the ditz and her worthless husband. Perhaps the empathy just went out for a powder with every other emotion that I seem to be devoid of in my numb little world.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Dropping Out of Life

Austin, TX

I'm taking six and a half pills twice a day now. I'm excused from work for 8 weeks and I haven't felt this rotten since I dropped out of college. I guess I'll refer to this as the time that I dropped out of my life.

I'm at my sister's staying with her while my brother-in-law is on his first business trip since my nephew's birth. It's supposed to be a help to her, but I think if we're all a little honest, I'm marginally more helpful than a housetrained retriever.

I know she's terrified of where I am and my nephew and I are holding each other at arm's reach, but I honestly don't whose arm.

I'm so exhausted all the time, like just existing is exhausting. And I'm not even existing as myself. I'm a shadow of myself just going through the motions and haunting this existence that belongs to me or some version of me that I can't even remember.

We, my sister and I -- and I think our mother as well -- live for these moments when I feel like myself. I've only had one of these moments in the last few weeks. A rather ridiculous moment, actually -- I was standing in the grocery store picking out Roma tomatoes and using all five fingers of one hand to test the tenderness of the tomato and it occured to me -- this is something I do.

How is it that a stupid tomato -- one that I never intend to eat even -- has more power to remind me of who I am than my sister or my nephew? Where is the fairness in that???