Saturday, May 24, 2008

Duke, Duke, Duke

How sick am I of Duke???

Let's go over this one more time.

Just because they didn't rape a stripper at THAT particular party on THAT particular night, does not make them eligible for sainthood. SERIOUSLY!

"That story is over in SO many ways" and I quote ESPN. Was it far that their entire 2006 squad, 33 players, got an extra year of NCAA eligibility? For them? Maybe. For the rest of the Division I NCAA Lacrosse players? Definitely NOT. For the 4th year seniors at Duke? Probably not. In fact, it sucks to be them.

They've interviewed a few fifth year seniors at Duke. Now remind me, is Duke the really academically difficult school with the kick ass school of engineering??

Wait, no, THAT'S Johns Hopkins! Or, it could be UVA... But it's definitely not Duke. Listening to the commentators fawn over the academics of the Duke players I find myself wanting to vomit.

Seriously. We've already identified their complete lack of integrity, character and the fact that they wouldn't know propriety if it kicked their ass. Last year they were congratulated for all their community service and what not.

Here's what I know about Hopkins players: I considered several of the players in my class to be friends. They did the same academic work that I and every other Hopkins student did. Many went on to highly, highly competitive jobs at Morgan Stanley and Andersen Consulting or to top tier law, business or even medical schools. They belonged to fraternities (keeping in mind that the Greek system at Hopkins isn't a stereotypical Greek system ~ think MIT or CalTech) and were involved in significantly more philanthropy than Duke's players. And at Hopkins, there is no "gentleman's B", there is, however, a C- curve if you were lucky enough to get Herk the Jerk for econ.

Hold on, Quent just admitted that he played for Hopkins!! The casual observer would have NEVER suspected such a thing the way he fawns over Duke!!

Maybe the Duke story will finally be over now that Hopkins has once again beaten their sorry arses.

Finals on Monday.. Syracuse vs. Hopkins! GO BLUE JAYS!!!

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Sitting back and enjoying the ride.....

Sometimes you just need to stop questioning everything and just sit back and enjoy the ride.

Quit wondering if you're upping the ante by wearing make up and sexy sandals. Don't question why he didn't hold your hand in the movie theatre.

Love the fact that he actually calls when he says he will. That sometimes he just calls to say good night.

Enjoy how he presses his arm against yours as you sit together on the couch watching a movie and apologizes profusely when his arm falls asleep and shoulder cramps up and he has to move them.

And wonder at the fact that when you rest your head on the right side of his chest and he wraps both arms around you, that you can still hear his heart beat on the other side of his chest.

But most of all, take comfort in the minutes he holds you, clings to you, like there is no one else in the world.

Quit questioning anything else. Let that be the answer to your question.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Friends, More than Friends???

Who the hell knows?

And just when I had got myself to a particularly horrible place in my life. Seriously, Intensive Outpatient Psychiatric Treatment.

You have to love Treatment Resistant Depression. Okay, well, you actually have to hate it. Seven drug alterations and I lost the ability to hope-this-will-be-the-one-that-does- it! somewhere around number five.

So we've moved on to the touchy/feely shit. Just between you and me, I don't really believe in this stuff. I'm a scientist. I work in medical research. Whether or not I was breastfed (beyond the intrinsic nutritional and immunological value of breast milk) and my potty training have NOTHING to do with my emotional well being as an adult. NOTHING.

So, as I'm going along through this month long group therapy ~ where they tell me daily that I have no self esteem (also know as a symptom of depression) ~ we talk about self love, parenting, defense mechanisms, etc. Terms that never came up in the grad level course I took, "The Epidemiology of Psychosis." An obvious oversite on the part of Hopkins School of Public Health, I'm sure.

And it becomes apparent that they don't even seem to be reading my chart. "Jennifer is beginning to learn the signs and symptoms of Bipolar type II disorder" reads my first progress report. SERIOUSLY? I've been living with this disease since 1995. I've figured out ALL the signs and symptoms at this point. And if they think one of their objectives is to teach me ~ well, let's just say a whole lot of time is being wasted...

Having decided this last resort treatment is a waste of my time, I just can't bring myself to get out of bed to get there. They threaten to throw me out of the program and actually begin to realize how much pain I'm actually in. I think someone actually reads my chart even.

And then something really strange happens.

A very attractive, single, age appropriate man joins our group. Almost immediately, everyone is aware of the attraction between us. We connect on so many levels. We have shared life experiences, shared family relationship difficulties, shared loss of friends to marriage and parenthood.

We're not allowed to socialize outside of group until one of us is discharged ~ which is me, a week and a half after he's joined the group. We've already spent breaks together, walked out to our cars together and talked before group every day.

On the day I'm discharged, we rent videos and get pizza and hang out together. Some time during the evening we both admit the we hadn't intended to get involved with anyone until we had straightened out our own lives, but meeting each other had changed things. We decided to continue hanging out together and see what happens.

He holds my hand and when I leave, he walks me to my car and hugs me, holding me close and not releasing me for a long time, as if to say exactly what I'm feeling ~ I'm lonely. I'm so lonely, it's palpable, but keep it at bay. ~ I have no idea how to interpret any of this, but I feel like if we started to kiss, we wouldn't be able to stop.

When I talk to him, we chat for hours until we have to go to sleep. Every evening together ends with the same hug, but I can't help but wonder if one of these days instinct is going to take over and when we pull apart he might just kiss me without thinking about it. And I'm not even sure how I'd react.

But I worry, what if we cross that time where is you don't become more than friends, you just stay friends forever. It's not the worst thing in the world, but I do think I'm falling in love with him.