In Defense of Meredith

The other night my mother and I had dinner at Bess' Bistro, the restaurant owned by Sandra Bullock. I mention this not for the purpose of name dropping, but (Look at me, dropping the names!!!)to set the appropriate scene for this little story. Now the bistro is built in the basement of a building on 6th Street and has all these little alcoves with leather booths and stained concrete floors intermixed with ornate spanish tiles. It all makes for some rather interesting acoustics. It's like the kind of thing you see in parts of the U.S. Capitol building where if you're standing in precise locations under the domed ceilings you can hear a whispered conversation happening on the other side of the room. Funny thing, acoustics. This case is neither as spectacular nor as compelling. It was rather irritating, to be honest. Somehow on my mother's side of our little alcove's booth, the conversation at a nearby table was not even a whisper, I, however, could hear every pause and breath taken between words, never mind the actual conversation.

Now, I have no idea what kind of people frequent a place like Bess' Bistro. My mom wanted to go there specifically because she had seen it written up in the New York Times or Vanity Fair or something. And to the staff, we seemed like obvious tourists. Although, I would love to see the expressions on those same snooty faces if they were actually privy to my mother's net worth or had any idea what kind of money she hoards away. The point is, they knew we wouldn't be coming back and if there was a gift shop we may have bought postcards, but not if they were as outrageously priced as the wine list. Obviously, I'm not the type of person to go out to this hip sell-your-kidney-to-buy-a-bottle-of-vino places. I'm more likely to be found at Austin's more casual places ~ Kerbey Lane, Magnolia Cafe, Chuy's, Maudie's ~ places where my father says the weight staff looks like they came directly from an open casting call for the bar scene in Star Wars. Okay, so maybe he says the more about the staff at Central Market. The point is, I'm used to Austin weird, not Austin elite. After my experience, I thought the food was eh but, the ladies' room rocked!

But, back to the conversation I couldn't stop myself from overhearing. They were two ladies, probably my age or younger and actually reminded me of my days inside the Washington Beltway and the happy hour "fake casts" where everyone drank Amstel Light and acted like some bizarre version of the Stepford wives. But back to the two women in Austin. They were talking about the most recent episode of Grey's Anatomy and how terribly unrealistic it is that someone would stop fighting to live/swim if they fell into the water, that conceptually (they didn't use that big a word, I'm paraphrasing) it was impossible for someone to not chose to live. They went on to complain that Lost is starting to get a bit unreal (starting??? which part of the scifi/fantasy moniker did you not understand???) They then settled into a long discussion on how their moisturizers were working. Seriously. I never thought I would hear two women discuss moisturizers outside of an infomercial, cosmetics counter, ad or the offhanded Cordellia snark "Now there's a woman who knows how to moisturize!"

At this point, my mom was checking out the rockin' ladies' room and as they settled into what became a very lengthy, though pointless, discussion on moisturizer (I mean come on, no mention of SPF or antioxidants, botanical vs chemicals, oxygen peels, exfoliation, nothing? PLEASE I could have scripted a better conversation!) I found myself stuck in a difficult position. Do I turn to look at these people with the expression on my face that no doubt says "I had no idea someone could do so much on brain stem function alone" or do I slam my forehead into the very polished wood table in front of me. I was choosing the later when the waiter brought the check and asked me if everything was okay. I just shook my head motioning to the other table and said the conversation was unbelievable. He smiled and said the entertainment was on the house. So, one point for snooty having sense of humor.

But back to Grey's Anatomy and how no one could ever just give up trying to live.

I think I've already mentioned how I identify with Meredith. When Ellis became lucid for a been hours and gave Meredith that horrible speech that she hadn't raised her to be ordinary. Four words went through my mind. I know that woman.

Maybe you can't get it unless you had some super achieving mother. Maybe it's growing up with that expectation or with the knowledge that your mother is more, does more than any of your friends' mothers. Maybe it's the part of her that got her so far that expects so much of you. No matter what I do, it will never be good enough for my mother. Even if I reach some great career pinnacle, save the lives of millions, if there's a dish in my kitchen sink, I'll still be a failure. That's the standard. She never just says, "I want you to be happy."

But the whole Meredith thing, being the person who looks like they have it all together and have everything going for them, from a safe distance. When you crack the shell, there's no great well of self esteem to hold up everything else. It's terrifying. Half the time it seems like you're a fraud and half the time like you're just not trying hard enough.

Then does the will to live always spring eternal? Hell no! There come times when you get tired of trying so hard. You get tired of waiting for things to "fall into place." You get sick of everything being so hard. And in your own mind, you're not as important to other people as they are to you. You may need them, but they could survive quite nicely without you. Maybe it's part of the whole lack of self esteem, maybe it just keeps you from feeling guilty for not wanting to stick around. Slight of hand, trick of the mind.

But that's life without an absent father (one who even runs interference with the mother), with a sister who is always there and a mother who is always lucid. How does that balance against a McDreamy? I have no idea. I have seen enough friends and family members die and Alzheimer's is the worst way to go, leukemia comes in a distant second, and dying of natural causes at age 21 gets a special mention.

I guess the bottom line is this. I didn't think the story arc was unrealistic. I balled my eyes out, multiple times, but it was real enough to me.