Reconnecting with "ME"?

Richmond,VA

I've been trying to do thing that make me happy or at least made me happy at some point. Today Dad and I went to Barnes & Noble and went to the Ashland Berry Farm and got annuals for the pots on my front steps. I know at one point I loved growing flowers so I'm sticking to that! My orchids are still blooming and they look gorgeous. The yellow one in the bathroom has all sorts of new buds even.

I've been reading a lot and joking with my sister about how this is the best time to read sad books. What are they going to do, depress me? I'm actually pretty numb. The crying response is so easily activated, it doesn't even seem to hold any meaning. I've gotten "102 Minutes" about the people in the Twin Towers on 9/11 and actually really liked "Good Grief." There's a scene where the main character, who is trying to come to terms with the death of her husband and has consoled herself with a little too much ice cream (to the point that her work clothes no longer fit), arrives at work in her pajamas and bathrobe. I cannot even begin to describe how much I wish I had had the nerve to do that. There were days and days where it took everything I had to get myself into that horrific office and getting out of bed was the hardest part. But to demonstrate, especially for one of those stupid 7am mandatory staff meetings would have been so liberating.

I still need to avoid the damn Wellbutrin XL commercial. Don't need to be reminded that I'm not myself, thank you very much!!! Quite aware of the fact. There will be a day when I finally have the feeling -- yes! this is me. I remember this!

But, that is months and months away.