That Kennedy Thing

You grow up Irish in New England and it can't be avoided.

Now, I know every baby boomer or pre-boomer can tell you exactly where they were when John F Kennedy was shot. But it was different if they were an Irish and grew up in Massachusetts.

It's like the whole Challenger disaster ~ every kid who was old enough to be in school that day can tell you where they were when the space shuttle exploded, but it was a whole different story if you were in a New Hampshire school, like the one Christa McAulliffe came from.

But back to the Kennedys. I didn't really get it at first. On our first trip to Washington, DC, my mother and aunt both cried at JFK's tomb and my mother never cries.

As I grew older and read more about "the Kennedy Curse," they became more mythical. The eldest and best son killed in the war. The beautiful eldest daughter marries into British royalty, but dies in a plane crash. The daughter who was never quite right and despite pleas from her mother, the father decides then allow doctors to attempt a new procedure on her ~ a lobotomy ~ is she is locked away for life. The two middle brothers who seek political glory and gain it, but lose their lives in the process. It was like a cross between Emily Bronte and Danielle Steele.

And then there were all the Kennedy children. You'd see pictures of them looking like a J.Crew add playing touch football on the waterfront family compound in Hyannisport. The ferry from Hyannis to Martha's Vineyard gave you a spectacular view of the sprawling white house and porches and large grass lawn pierced with an enormous white flagpole bearing the US flag. It was impossible to keep track of all the kids ~ well, except for JFKjr. His every move was publicized. But the rest, you only heard about them when they were getting married, running for office or going on trial, each of which happened with equal frequency.

In New England, it wasn't uncommon to hear one of the children referred to as not even being the child of one of the "good" Kennedys. I believe Patrick (son of Ted) took the brunt of that joke when he first ran for congress in Rhode Island.

The Kennedys have since lost their mythical aura for me. I understand why they were so revered by the Irish Catholics as they proved that "no Irish need apply" was truly a thing of the past. They broke every glass ceiling that stood in the way of every member of my family and provided them with more hope for the future than anything else could. In the culture of Ireland, where emigration is such a strongly entrenched part of their history and their present, there's a reason that even still you find two pictures on the wall of every home: the pope and JFK.

I met Ted about 10 years ago, when my mothers' college presented him with an award for his work in improving the health and well being of the citizens of Massachusetts. He was all red and bloated back then. I saw Joe (one of RFK's sons) speak about 15 years ago and have never seen someone with as much charisma just pouring out of them since. I've also sat beside a unknown Kennedy at the Hyannis airport ~ no one else on earth has that many teeth and dresses casually out of Ralph Lauren's latest collection.

Caroline (JFK's daughter) wrote an OpEd in the NYT yesterday comparing Barack Obama to her father. (see link in title) She provides a rather persuasive argument, enough so that her uncle Ted Kennedy (Edward, not Theodore)has decided to endorse him as well and join him on the campaign trail.

The Clintons are rather miffed and have released that Kathleen Kennedy Townsend (daughter of RFK)is supporting them. She has made a statement that not only is she supporting Hillary, but so are her siblings, Bobby* and Kerry. The irony being that their mother, Ethel, has repeatedly introduced Senator Obama as "the next President of the United States" at events including Kennedy family events.



* Bobby is someone we would refer to as a "bad" Kennedy as he was arrested for heroine possession in 1983 and if that weren't enough, he's using his name to keep the whole vaccinations-cause-autism movement alive, despite the fact that no scientific study has found ANY proof of this, and despite the fact that the "toxin" in vaccines thiomersol has been removed from childhood vaccines since 2001, the incidence of autism has only increased.

My fondest wish....

As if network television hadn't gotten bad enough ~ American Gladiators, Don't Forget the Lyrics, Celebrity Apprentice, Dance Wars, and TWO HOURS of the Biggest Loser, I'm talkin' to you ~ we have to endure yet another State of the Union address next week.

Like we're not all aware of the state of the Union? It sucks! We're headed into a major recession. (If I click my heels three times might Alan Greenspan come back?) We entered a poorly thought out war with no exit plan and, guess what?, we can't get out!! We seemed to have misplaced the middle class. Our health care system is broken; overtaxed by some, underutilized by others and still our population is ridiculously unhealthy. Who's to blame? Well, we're getting screwed from about 8 different directions by the insurance industry with increasing health insurance premiums and medical liability premiums. And if the pharmaceutical industry was spending a fraction of their marketing and advertising budget on research, we'd all be doing much better and not be so concerned about health coverage. AND, don't even get me started about education.....

Let's get back on topic. While I realize that the writers of the State of the Union are not members of the WGA ~ how? Because the best State of the Union addresses ever televised were given by a fictional president (Jed Bartlett) and written by a fictional writer (Sam Seaborn) ~ Wouldn't it be refreshing to see the WGA-East picket the State of the Union? At the very least, some members of the news media would not be able to cross the picket line and members of Congress who receive strong support from the Teamsters (heavily involved in film and television) and other large unions couldn't be seen crossing picket lines.

So this is how I imagine it.... George W. giving his speech to a partially filled House chamber while Dick Cheney tapes the event on his camcorder.

It's probably too much to ask for, but I can still dream...

If this is the new face of mental illness...

... then I need a closet, STAT!


Seriously, though, why is it that whenever someone does something crazy, it gets equated with mental illness?

Why is it so difficult to accept that some people are just NUTS and it has nothing to do with an illness or process in their brain? Sometimes it's completely behavioral and all the antidepressants, mood stabilizers, anti psychotics and anticonvulsives in the world aren't going to fix that.

People magazine thinks that Britney is bipolar... So that would mean she's been manic for what, 8, 10 years now? Sorry, guys. Affective disorders, like manic depression, are cyclical and have periods of normalcy between episodes. One of your people on the editorial board should have gotten a psychiatry degree, or at least a copy of DSM IV!

How about this for a try? Maybe she's just a narcissistic personality type on drugs.

I hate to have to be present for those ridiculous conversations about this murderer or that evil soulless criminal ~ They must be sick! And by sick, we're not talking about a particularly bad case of the chicken pox, although a very far gone case of syphilis could cause some pretty insane behaviors.

But to suggest that serial killers, drug lords and pedophiles fall into the same category as the mentally ill is ignorant, hateful and promotes the stigma that keeps so many amazing talented and accomplished individuals with mental illnesses from ever letting on.

Society needs to learn the difference between sick and sick. They need to understand that diseases of the brain are no different than diseases of the heart or lungs or kidneys except that because the brain is so intricately involved in so much of EVERYTHING we do, when it breaks down, we simply drop with it.

Kay Redfield Jamison, (who I shudder to think I am mentioning in the same blog post as Britney Spears) both the coauthor of the medical text on bipolar disorder and a Professor of Psychiatry at Johns Hopkins Medical School, is also one of the sick. In speaking of her own experiences, she has sad of manic depression, "It is not a gentle or easy disease." And it is not. 15% mortality rate. No cure. For those whom the treatment works, the side effects can be horrid. And the disease still returns in its own due time, completely unconcerned with your schedule or current intentions. It tears through your life with hurricane force winds destroying everything in it's path and leaving you buried beneath, clawing your way out to see what remains among the rubble.

I have several times been privy to the conversation about how selfish suicide is: the many variations of how much more we have in America than other places; the backward logic of how it could make anything better; the narcissism that could drive it. I ignore these conversations. I am not about to admit that I have spent years of my life plotting its demise.

So let me pose my question here instead: Imagine how much pain you need to be in and how hopeless you need to feel and how long you need to be trapped in that place for suicide to become the most rational action you could take...

Don't look at me, I'm from Vermont....

I'm renouncing my status as a native of NH. I refuse to claim it.

Doesn't anyone remember Edwin S. Muskie? He was the favorite to win the 1972 Democratic Primary in New Hampshire, that is until one of the Manchester Union Leader published two articles, one letter that proved to be a hoax (casting the former Maine governor as a racist moron) and the other attacking his wife. William Loeb, while he was still alive, was one of the really ugly men in American political history, he was survived by his wife, Whacky Nackie (whose real name I honestly don't know), as the publisher of the Useless Leader (as it is affectionately known by those in NH, I'm told, being as how I'm from VT and all.)

As a child, it always seemed odd to me that the editorial was published on the front page, above the fold ~ basically saying "my opinion is the most important news of the day!" We never subscribed to that paper, we read the Boston Globe in my house, but that's another story entirely.

Back to Loeb and Muskie... The letter was eventually proven to be a fraud ~ someone in the Nioxn administration actually took credit for it ~ but Loeb's attack on Muskie's wife crossed the line in the candidate's opinion. He held a press conference on the front steps of the Union Leader offices to defend his wife. Now, it was a snowy day, as it often is in NH in February, and Muskie was rather seething with rage as he made his remarks. There were no televisions to record the events, only print reporters and a single photograph. It's hard to say what actually happened, if it was melting snow or an angry and frustrated man pushed to his limit, but the story that came out was that Muskie had cried.

And that was the end of his Presidential candidacy.

**********************************************************************************

Now fast forward 35 years and we have a female candidate for President and she happens to tear up about how exhausting it is to get up look her campaign best every day (like she doesn't have staff) and NH is suddenly drawn to how "human" she is and votes for her in droves.

Keep in mind. It's not like she was talking about the millions of children that go without needed health care because they have no insurance. It's not like she was talking about the problem of women and girls being kidnapped trafficked as part of the sex trade. It's not even like she was talking about our own troops still stuck in Iraq and their worried families back home and the condition they are returning in and the poor care they're receiving after the sacrifices they've made.

I could be touched by someone tearing up over any one of those things, in fact, I'm having a tough time not tearing up just writing about them.

So, sorry guys. Mother nature isn't the only who's snowed you this year.

For the time being, I claiming to be from the upside down triangle...

WHAT have I been tellin' y'all???

What if Iowa Settles Nothing for Democrats?

That's the headline from the political memo in this morning's New York Times.

It would seem that they're finally figuring out that all these early primaries are going to mess with the usual culling of the field and we're going to wind up with entirely too many candidates for entirely too long.

Who woulda seen that one coming.

Yeah, I know, but I don't need to brag about it.

I think there may be some charm to having the national conventions without having selected a nominee first. It would at least give people a reason to watch. There would be an air of anticipation, viewers sitting on the edge of their seats awaiting the completion of the national roll call. Never would Vermont and Wyoming garner so much of the Nation's attention. Will there be back room deals? Delegates gone renegade? Who knows?

We could at least have Michael Kors there to critique their wardrobe and Heidi Klum to say Auf Wiedersehen to the losers. And you KNOW you want to see Tim Gunn back stage going over stump speeches saying things like: This really screams 1984 to me; You have an awful lot of work to do here and not a lot of time; Is this how you intended it to be?; and, of course, Make it work!

There's Nothing Like the Smell of Self Destruction in the Morning

It smells like Primary Season!

What you have to keep in mind when running for president ~ something that no presidential candidate EVER keeps in mind ~ is that YOU are your own worst enemy.

It would appear Rudy Giuliani is learning that lesson the hard way.

Remember that company, Giuliani Partners, that Rudy never really talks about?

Everyone wanted to know what they did ~ consulting, who were their client ~ not saying. All very hush, hush.

Well, here's what the hush, hush was all about.

There's a company called Purdue Pharma. They manufacture a drug call OxyContin, or O.C. if you're looking to buy it without a prescription from someone who is in no way licensed to sell it.

According to the New York Times, the DEA described the promotional campaign for OxyContin as perhaps the most aggressive for high powered narcotics, ever. Further, they aimed their physician campaign not only at pain specialists, but also family doctors with little experience in treating serious pain and who are not as well trained to identify drug abuse or drug seeking behavior. This marketing strategy alone increased the amount of the OxyContin that would end up out on the streets.

And there were some other problems.

Security at the manufacturing facility wasn't particularly good. And the record keeping was a bit questionable.

O.C. became a very popular street drug and proved to be highly addictive. Even the time released version could provide an immediate high if ground up and snorted.

Then there were the overdoses and the deaths. The abuse, addiction and death occurred in place where the community wasn't used to deadly drugs, places like Appalachian Virginia.

Purdue has an image problem, a government oversight problem, and in Virginia, a legal problem. They needed an image makeover. A new face.

So they hired Rudy.

He became their face with the federal government: the Federal Court, Members of Congress, the DEA ~ He was their crisis control.

How does Giuliani defend his part this?

In the OxyContin case, Mr. Giuliani’s supporters suggest that as a cancer survivor himself, he was driven by a noble goal: to keep the company’s proven pain reliever available to the widest circle of sufferers.

“I understand the pain and distress that accompanies illness,” Mr. Giuliani said at the time. “I know that proper medications are necessary for people to treat their sickness and improve their quality of life.”

Nice try, there, Rudy. I might actually believe you if your had bone cancer or had survived some form of cancer that's known to be physically painful. But prostate cancer is almost always a slow growth tumor. According to the American Cancer Society, prostate cancer is rarely accompanied by symptoms, forget pain.

So what have we learned about Rudy? If it weren't for that pesky campaigning he might be doing crisis management for those Chinese manufacturers that keep forgetting that lead paint is not appropriate for toys?

Well, yes.

But more importantly, he can't be counted on to use his powers for good.

The BEST Christmas Present EVER

I'm not sure if I've been hemming and hawing here about my financial issues.

I need a bridgework where my tooth was extracted. Price: $3,000

According to the closing paperwork I signed when I bought my house last year, my property taxes were not be taken out as part of my mortgage payment and put in escrow to be paid by my mortgage company. Price: $3,900

Now, I suppose it would be silly to point out that I don't have $7,000 sitting in some account or in my walk-in freezer, (I'm not mentioning names, but I do have a relative that does this.) or even my money market account.

Why? Well, lets see. I've been paying in excess of $200 a month in co-payments for my prescription medications. Am I frickin' kidding you? Sorry, no. And that's on top of the close to $400 that's paid for my insurance coverage.

But, this blog entry is not to rant and rave about the ridiculousness of a health care system that can't even care for it's high functioning, working, self-advocating, health insurance covered chronically ill ~ that would be a much longer post titled "so very, very broken"

This is about THE BEST CHRISTMAS PRESENT EVER!!

As you may recall from my posts at the time of my house closing I'm not okay, the whole thing nearly fell apart because I lost my job, my mortgage and my electrical wiring all in about the same week.

My mother and I were literally sitting at the closing waiting for documents to be faxed up from the Florida offices of my bank. I was a nervous wreck. My mother had every checkbook she owned, including the home equity line my father had taken out on their home. (She actually had a backup plan of buying the house outright.)

Now, I don't remember a whole lot from that day, but I do remember reading through the bank paperwork and noticing the I was paying the 2006 property taxes, but the 2007 and following years would not be taken out of my mortgage escrow account.

So, imagine my surprise when I received a receipt in the mail today from the county tax office thanking me for my full payment of my 2007 property taxes in the amount of $3,900 (and some change).

Let's just say that's one debt off of my conscious.

Resilience

I've linked an editorial from the CDC Journal, Preventing Chronic Disease. It's a meditation on resilience and the differences between generations ~ the GI Generation, the Boomer Generation ~ and what we can expect from them as they grow old.

The concept is pretty simple. The GI Generation has resilience woven into their DNA. They survived the Great Depression, they fought in WWII. If anything can be said for them, it is that they are resilient. Boomers on the other hand are the generation of the Vietnam War, of protest, of assassinations. They as a group will live longer than their preceding generation, but not from sheer force of will, but because the road was paved before them. Most of them anyway.

That's the generational analysis.

On the individual level, it's a whole different ball of wax.

We share the experience of our generation, but in each of our lives, we exist in completely different worlds. To some resilience is a survival instinct. To others it is something kept in reserve that they never knew they had until the absolutely horrible happens and everything in their character is tested. And for some, resilience is something they lack as some lack integrity or honesty and it is only when they need it most that their lacking becomes so glaringly apparent.

I could laugh this off and tell you that being a Red Sox fan fosters resiliency. But that would only be true if baseball were life and death.

Disease fosters resiliency. Survival is all about resiliency. Coping and finding a way to not get caught up in all the little things that tie up everyone else so that you can focus on the big thing, moving on.

I do believe I learned about resilience from my grandmother; the only member of her family to have a job during the Great Depression, the single mother and beat cop during WWII, the no-nonsense matriarch for the first half of my life.

But here is the real truth: If she were alive today, she would tell you that she had learned about resilience from me.

And just like that ~ he reappears....

It's amazing to me how people wander in and out of your life.

They probably don't even realize that they're doing it.

I was actually the one who was remiss in emailing, but he was the one who had let the time between messages lag. But then I hear from him again and it's like no time has passed.

It's seriously pathetic.

The truth is there's a certain intimacy in our emails ~ partly because we've known each other for decades, but partly because it means something that all that effort went into finding each other.

Of course, I'm talking about the guy from 20 years and 2000 miles away.

I did track him down and I never got a straight answer about that postcard. But we're both still single and we still make each other laugh and that has to mean something, doesn't it? I mean, beyond the fact that I'm a pathetic romantic who is just tired of meeting *new* people. (Seriously, at this point in my life, haven't I filled my quota???)

But since I started hearing from him again, this song has just.... Maybe it makes me think of our hometown or the things and people where I came from, but it is definitely him...

Syndromes, Disorders and the Way We Were

I've been rather distracted lately.

My nephew was diagnosed with Sensory Integration Disorder (or Dysfunction, depending on who you talk to). According to Time Magazine, it's the new ADD. I wouldn't want my nephew to have to suffer with some unpopular ailment, god forbid!

So what is SID? It's a neurological disorder when your brain/neurons don't accurately process information from your near senses. Who knew there were near and far senses, right? The far senses are the five senses we generally think of when we thinks of "senses." The near senses are balance from the inner ear, the nerve endings all over the body and the brain's ability to know where any or all of the appendages are at any given time. So, how does that translate into symptoms?

According to A. Jean Ayres, Ph.D., OTR, who first described the interaction between these senses and the brain, these are some of the symptoms:

An acute awareness of background noises
Fascination with lights, fans, water
Hand flapping/repetitive movements
Spinning items, taking things apart
Walking on tip-toe
Little awareness of pain or temperature
Coordination problems
Unusually high or low activity level
Difficulty with transitions (doesn't "go with the flow")
Self-Injury or aggression
Extremes of activity level (either hyperactive or under active).
Fearful in space (on the swings, seesaw or heights).
Striking out at someone who accidentally brushes by them.
Avoidance of physical contact with people and with certain "textures," such as sand, paste and finger paints.
The child may react strongly to stimuli on face, hands and feet.
A child may have a very short attention span and become easily distracted.
A strong dislike of certain grooming activities, such as brushing the teeth, washing the face, having the hair brushed or cut.
An unusual sensitivity to sounds and smells.
A child may refuse to wear certain clothes or insist on wearing long sleeves/pants so that the skin is not exposed.
Frequently adjusts clothing, pushing up sleeves and/or pant legs

So that, almost exactly, is my nephew. He has been refusing to were anything without long sleeves and long pants for the last two years. We've been trying to figure out how he's been surviving the unbelievably hot Austin summers dressed like this. Now we know. He hates the beach because of the sand. He actually tells you "Not so high" when you push him on the swing. And apparently, he can't complete activities requiring multiple steps ~ like riding a tricycle. I feel so guilty for having my father get him one last year. He tried it once and then refused to ever use it again. We had no idea he physically couldn't.

But my sister and I have both confessed to experiencing many symptoms of his disorder through out our lives ~ I have texture issues with food and surfaces, can't cut on a line and have no balance; she can remember going through many of the diagnostic tests she watched him take. Could we have wandered through life firing off the wrong neurons? Or the uglier question, for me, the one I don't share with her, does this mean he'll follow me to additional diagnoses?

But for now he's doing well with his therapy. He's trying more complicated games and becoming less fearful of falling ~ image how scared you'd be of falling down if you had no balance? It exhausts him. It exhausts my sister. All of us worry. He's otherwise exceptional. My mother wants my sister to push for the school district to take over the cost of his treatment, but I'm afraid he may be placed in treatment with autistic or mentally disabled children, since this disorder occurs more often in children with autism or mental retardation. My nephew is gifted, scary smart. His vocabulary is enormous and he's very articulate.

But for now, we just wait to see what happens next.

In the meantime, the NYT published an article about parents identifying with their children's disorders ~ like me and my sister did. I couldn't stomach the first reader comment however and got to it too late to post a response. So, I'm posting it here! Below is a link to the comment.

Morons Masquerading as Experts

My respectful response: Look you moron, try reading a medical journal once in a while before making statements regarding the existence of genetic evidence or lack there of. There have actually been four different genes that have been identified as being related to major mental illness. Genetic researchers believe their may be as many as 50,000 genes that have a role in some type of disease involving the brain function. AND, the twin studies, especially those done with identical twins raised apart looking at schizophrenia and bipolar disorder as EXTREMELY compelling. AND, don't forget the significant genetic research done with Amish populations where no stigma is attached to mental illness and no drug or alcohol can be used to self medicate and cover disease.

Next time, do your homework, DOOFUS!!!

The Many Errors in Thinking About Mistakes

I really loved this article and the reader responses.

It reminds me of the upside of living with illness ~ you mess up.
You can never be perfect or live to your full potential, but you still have to try.

Life itself is a risk.

And the things that would or should be scary pale in comparison to the things you've survived.

No one can fault you (at least not down to the bone) for the places and parts of your life where things have gone to pieces.

It just happens.

Then you pick up the pieces or you start over from scorched earth and you move on.

I'm not saying it's easy.

It's HELL.

There are times when suicide is the most rational option. And for very good reason.

But in return, you learn how to fall.

You learn how to be imperfect.

You learn that mistakes don't constitute flaws or failure.

And you learn that you're strong. That you persevere.

And you never live in fear of failure.

Ain't got wings.... Comin' down is the hardest thing....

I found this on Youtube.com. (And let's be honest, what isn't on youtube these days??)

It's two of my favorite artists, Mat Kearney and Matt Nathanson, trying to finesse their way through a cover of Tom Petty's Learning to Fly.

Thing is, there was something so perfect about it. So perfect about how I'm feeling and how much I love those guys and that song even if they did butcher it just a little bit.

Isn't that really what life is about? Learning to fly?

We crash and we dust ourselves off and we try again.

And, honestly, you'll be hard pressed to find more truth than "Comin' down is the hardest thing..."

Except perhaps finding the courage to keep on crashing... That's even more difficult.

You would think there's at least be a hideous plaque or something...

Well, congratulations Austin!!

You've been ranked #1 in the 2007 Fall Allergy Capitals!! Making you "The Most Challenging Place to Live with Fall Allergies." (And to think, it's not even Cedar Season yet!!

It was quite the meteoric rise from your Spring Allergy Capital ranking this year of #24 ~ a sad showing below both Phoenix and Tuscon! (Isn't Arizona supposed to be heaven for allergy sufferers???) And also quite the jump from last Fall where you only ranked #12, behind San Antonio and Dallas/Ft Worth. But this year you showed them!!

You go Austin!!

As for me, I'll be hitting the Zyrtec-D, Singular, and Nasonex and be keeping close to my HEPA filtered home.






To check Allergy Capital rankings: www.AllergyCapitals.com

You have got to be kidding me....

Since the Boston Globe doesn't have have a permalink function, I can't link to this article. Instead, I've reprinted it with the Boston Globe copyright intact.

I miss my depression
By Tim Bugansky

November 20, 2007

TEL AVIV

AUTUMN visited Israel recently. The temperature sank, chilly rain spattered the streets, the wind tossed the trees to and fro. As I sat outside on the porch one night, I found my mind yanked back to Ohio, and I was struck by a familiar pang of sadness - and I missed, achingly, the decade when I was clinically depressed.

The irony of depression - for me, at least - was that it made me feel a pervasive sadness that pierced my heart like frigid, jagged glass, but it also made me feel supremely alive. Depression isolated me within myself, yet through its ever-present melancholy, it also made me feel completely connected to the world.

Anything had the potential to envelop me in tentacles of despondency: a parking lot at dusk; illuminated living rooms on dark city streets with families moving about inside; an elderly man hobbling through a store all by himself; train tracks disappearing into the distance.

These were amplified by the gracefully turbulent decay that accompanies autumn in Ohio, where I have spent most of my life. Brisk breezes bore reminders that life is fleeting. The moon hung morosely above cornfields. Brittle leaves crunched resoundingly like fragile hearts underfoot.

Amidst the crushing poignancy, I was also more creative, more perceptive, more in tune with the world. I can remember entire weeks when I was depressed more clearly than I can remember the particulars of any one day last week. Although days were interminable back then, they were also alive and palpable, bursting with beautiful futility.

It's been four years now since I began a course of treatment, swallowing daily a white pill that changes not only my brain chemistry, but also the very ways I perceive the world, the ways the world affects me. Besides all the questions antidepressants raise about reality and perception, "mental illness" and normalcy, my personal reality is that I am different now. Antidepressants altered my existence.

I eat and sleep more regularly. I can now get sad without venturing into the borderlands of despair. I can get happy without that happiness seeming like the gleaming tip of an iceberg - full of splendor at the surface, but dwarfed by the hulking dark mass of potential disappointment beneath.

I don't mean to glorify depression. Had I not taken those little white pills, I would probably have become seriously ill, more and more troubled, increasingly incapable of living in a world constructed by and for the "normal." There is no question that depression can and does hurt people, both the depressed and those around them.

But while depression is often portrayed or understood in simple terms, it is more than just an affliction. Its complexity is all the more apparent to me now that it is absent from my life; yet the memory of it can still transport me from the edge of the Middle Eastern desert to the American heartland.

And I wonder - as I sit outside on quiet nights and sense the seasons shifting and wish that I could "feel" the phenomenon like I used to - I wonder how many others like me are out there in the world, wandering through their own private autumns, fortunate to be alive today yet missing the brilliant sadness of the past.

Tim Bugansky, a writer and teacher in Israel, is author of "Anywhere But Here." He wrote this column for the International Herald Tribune.

© Copyright 2007 Globe Newspaper Company.

Personally, I find this Op-Ed insulting, naive, ignorant and repulsive. It is completely lacking in respect for anyone who struggles and survives a life with real depression.

Those people know the numbing effect of a disease that, to paraphrase a talk* given by William Styron, causes the brain so much pain that it is incapable of doing anything but enumerate its own suffering.

It's odd, at best, that the Globe would choose to print such an article just one day after it printed a science piece on new research showing that depression may cause degeneration of the hippocampus, the part of the brain believed to have an essential role in memory. Further, the use of SSRIs (a class of anti depressants) may actually regenerate neurons in the hippocampus.

Take a moment to soak that in. Depression is connected to the part of the brain that controls memory. Memory, say, of the things that usually bring a person happiness and pleasure.

So, while the rest of us are in some fog ~ all joy, beauty, and interest forgotten. Some even feeling so numb with lack of emotion that they harm themselves just to feel. Mr. Bugansky is experiencing life on a new ultrasensory level.

Mr. Bugansky, I'd like you to meet Mr. Frey. The two of you will be spending a long, long time together in a place we call a Special Hell. This one is reserved for lying liars who lie.



*This talk was given at a symposium at Johns Hopkins Medical Institutions in the mid to late 1980s and later became the basis for Styron's memoir Darkness Visible. The particular quote I refer to did not make it from the speech to the manuscript, but remains one of my favorite pieces of prose from his talk.

The RIGHT way to start the World Series!!!

You start with John Williams and the brass section of the Boston Pops performing a special arrangement of the Star Spangled banner.

Then you pass the ball to Red Sox legendary outfield Carl "Yaz" Yastrzemski, #8 in Left Field, # 1 in our hearts ~ alright, I'm going on a bit, but when I was 7 years old, I did want to be Yaz when I grew up ~ to throw out the first pitch.

Now that the game has officially begun...

Josh Beckett strikes out the first three Colorado batters.
Red Sox hit the plate: Dustin Pedroia hits a homer; Kevin Youkilis hits a double; Manny Ramirez hit an RBI single; J.D. Drew threw in another RBI double.

End of the first inning? Red Sox: 3 Rockies: zip

Final Score: 13 to 1 RED SOX

Sing it with me now!!

PINK HATS

Seriously.

This is the dividing issue in the Red Sox Nation.

Frickin' Pink Hats!!!




Let me start this post with a little confession. I own and wear a pink Red Sox cap. I seem to recall purchasing the hat in that color because I look horrid in red and in the Texas sun, a navy blue hat is not your friend on a hot day. (Have I mentioned melanoma runs in my family? I actually wear hats for a utilitarian purpose as well as showing my team loyalty.)

Now these pink hats have become associated with part time, turncoat, johnny come lately, girlfriend only fans.

I take offense.

One blogger referred to them as "bleacher bimbos."

Another said they "couldn't pick Jim Rice out of a line up."

And an actual newspaper suggested they were folks with no New England connection who were trying to defect to Red Sox Nation since 2004.

Did I mention that I take offense?

To all of the above and those who agree with them ~ BITE. ME.

I'm just going to glide over the idea that me being mistaken for a bimbo is laughable. And new to the bandwagon? Not in this life time. I've been a Red Sox fan since birth and possibly before then. And as for Jim Rice? I haven't had the chance to see a game at Fenway since Jim Rice was actually playing there. You can take the girl out of Boston, but you can't take the Boston out of the girl.

I had my first Red Sox cap when I was less than a year old. My uncle, a sports writer for the Cape Cod Times and a Manager and later President of the Cape Cod League, gave it to me. I wore it year round until it no longer fit. (I believe it too was pastel in color, but don't quote me on it.) I had such pale blonde hair that the sun burned my scalp right through it, so the hat was essential for all of my outdoor activities.

I went to college in Baltimore in the late 1980s and had the misfortune to meet a New Yorker who thought it fun to run through the seventh game of the 1986 World Series play-by-play. I don't remember his name, but I do hold the Mets personally accountable for his existence. The great thing about being in Baltimore at that time though was the fact that the Orioles were still playing at Memorial Stadium, just 6 blocks from campus. We could decide to go to a game at 7pm. Walk over and pay $2 for bleacher seats and be in our seats for the National Anthem. Their last season at Memorial Stadium had an added bonus: Dwight Evans, an old friend from my trips to Fenway as a child.

I still find it hard to believe that anyone would actively become a Red Sox fan. It seems to me that it's something you're born into either by geography or genetics or a little bit of both. It's not a happy life.

You're constantly being let down and having your heart broken. You can walk away from a game assured of a positive outcome because of a 7 to 10 run lead, only to find out the next day that it all fell apart in a single inning.

People try to analyze baseball down to statistics and physics ~ the hits, the runs, the speed of the ball. But with the Red Sox, there's always some extra force at work that can't be accounted for, like karma or luck or acts of God, except they can never be explained by positive or negative acts or energy. They just happen. In that way, it's a lot like life.

I like to believe that being a Red Sox fan has prepared me for life in the real world, in a way no Yankees fan could be prepared. Shit happens. Things go wrong. Sometimes everything is a whole lot harder that it ever should have been. And no matter how good a person you are, and how many wonderful and amazing things you do for others, awful things are going to happen. It can't be avoided. Even when you think everything is going right; it can still go completely wrong. It's just part of the game.

As for these so-called "bleacher bimbos" and hangers-on, they won't last. Once the Red Sox are true to their reputation and remind us all why the Irish identify with them so strongly, only the fans from birth will remain.

In the mean time, I hardly think a team from the American League, where the pitchers don't hit, can use any "purity of the game or fandom" argument to put down the pink hats.

Maybe people just want to keep their heads cool in the sun? Ever thought of that?

Because I am weak...

... And I cannot handle....

I was talking with a colleague today about my own procrastination in posting sick leave for work missed due to an asthma attack I had last week after being in a room at my office where the levels of rubber and latex particles were so high that even after doubling my allergy medication and leaving a HEPA air purifier in the room over night and then sitting practically on top of it, I was coughing and wheezing within minutes of stepping into the room.

My superviser and her supervisor are well aware of the issue. I was relocated for 3 months while the carpetting was replaced on our floor of the building. They required me to complete "Request for Reasonable Accomodations" paperwork and provide documentation from my treating physician that such special treatment was necessary. I was annoyed by the extra effort I was required to exert, but my doctor provided the perfect explanation. I could die if I was exposed to latex and rubber.

So, while I'm doing everything I can and the reasonable accomodations are not met ~ keep in mind, I'm not the one who made this into an ADA legal issue ~ why should I have to use MY time to recover when I become ill.

My colleague, not meaning to be insulting, said something about me being weak and unable to handle the conference room and that was why it should come from MY time.

But the more I think about this, the more infuriated I become.

There is nothing about me that is weak.

I put in another six hours of work following the asthma attack, consuming nothing but albuterol and Zen tea, in order to complete and polish a presentation that needed to be given the following day at an outside meeting. Granted, the following day, after all the albuterol and wheezing, I had no voice, I couldn't stand because my back muscles were so sore from gasping for air and things just wouldn't stay still either from dehydration, lack of oxygen or lack of food or some combination. It took me two days to recover. The fact that I have an IgE mitigated allergy that causes a very severe immune response ~ inability to breath, anaphalactic shock ~ does not make me weak. The fact that I live with it, through it, makes me strong.

And the fact that I put such attention to my work and do so much to try to lessen the effects of this immunological response despite the ignorant, insulting and, frankly, illegal acts of my employer, make me extraordinary.

Weak, my ass.

Giving Up.... Moving On....

I'm turning 37 tomorrow.

I honestly have no idea how that happened. It really seemed like just last week I was taking calculus in high school.

And still it seems, every time I'm faced with a new number, that I left to take stock of where I am, and where I expected to be.

We'll start with the obvious. No ONE saw Texas coming.

I knew I'd have the college degree and the graduate degree, but the being alone thing is still a bit of a let down. I was planning on having kids by now. You know, the American Dream ~ the husband, the house, the 2.3 kids and the retriever. Instead, I have the house, a grouchy old cat and the knowledge that with an allergy to cats I will never become the old woman with all the cats. Small relief. I also have my extremely tactful mother telling me that I can barely take care of myself, I most certainly couldn't care for a child. (She's always done wonders for my confidence.)

We'll admit it. The disease(s) were a surprise, an unfair handicap to say the least. It hasn't been easy and it hasn't been fair. But I've proven myself to be far stronger than anyone (including me) believed I could be.

So this is where we go from here.... We throw out the old plan. We trash the dream. We make it up as we go along.

Forget the husband, forget the kids ~ today I got the dog.



And I named her Frannie ~ for Frances Mays ~ the character and author of the book that is the basis for the movie Under the Tuscan Sun. It has one of the best life lessons at it's center, beyond great leaps of faith and courage lead to great reward.

It's one of life's pure truths ~ you eventually get what you want and need in life; it just doesn't always look like you expected it to.

Do you feel safer than you did 6 years ago?

SERIOUSLY?

Because you totally shouldn't....

I don't make a habit of reprinting entire NYT articles, but I had to make a VERY special exception for this one.

Just one personal editorial comment: This is SO consistent with my three year tenure in Emergency Preparedness...

October 4, 2007
Text
An E-Mail Chain Reaction
On Wednesday, an innocuous e-mail request transformed into a flood of more than 2.2 million messages nationwide. The first e-mail, with addresses redacted:

Subject: RE: DHS_Daily_Report_2007-10-02
From: "Alex Greene"
To: "NICCReports"

Hi,
Effective October 15th I am switching jobs and would like to receive the DHS daily report at my new e-mail address;
xxxxxxxxxx
Thanks,
Alex

Alex Greene
Manager - International Operations, Roxboro
GKN Freight Services Inc.


•

Excerpts from the e-mails that followed:

Subject: RE: DHS_Daily_Report_2007-10-02
From: "State of Texas SOC"
To: "Alex Greene
Cc: "Ryan-Bunger, Gisela

Mr. Greene,
We do not maintain the DHS_Daily_Report 2007. You will have to contact NICC to update your email address.
SOC/Stephanie


•

Subject: RE: DHS_Daily_Report_2007-10-02
From: "Johnson, Dawn"
To: "State of Texas SOC
Cc: "Ryan-Bunger, Gisela

Please for goodness sake, no one else reply to all, some of us actually have work to do


•

Subject: RE: DHS_Daily_Report_2007-10-02
From: "Wight, Collins"
To: "Caldwell, Dwayne"
Cc: "Ryan-Bunger, Gisela



Collins Wight, Jr.
LDRPS System Administrator
Corporate Contingency Planning
National City Corporation


•

Subject: RE: DHS_Daily_Report_2007-10-02
From: "Koszalka, Sue (DPH)"
To: "State of Texas SOC
Cc: "Ryan-Bunger, Gisela

Hi,
Don’t know if anyone realizes it but these e-mails are going to the entire distribution list.

Sue Koszalka
Massachusetts Department of Public Health
Bureau of Environmental Health
Coordinated Environmental Response Program


•

Subject: RE: DHS_Daily_Report_2007-10-0

It's good here in DC. Just a bit muggy

Bill Miller
Emergency Management Information Officer
Office of Emergency Programs
Department of the Treasury


•

Subject: RE: DHS_Daily_Report_2007-10-02
From: "Caldwell, Dwayne"
To: "Koszalka, Sue
Cc: "Ryan-Bunger, Gisela

Sue,
I don’t think everyone realizes that yet, but what a nice way for all of us to get to know one another! J
Hope all is well in Boston.

Dwayne Caldwell, REHS, PEM
Environmental Health Supervisor
Vanderburgh Co. Health Dept.
Evansville, IN 47713


•

Subject: RE: DHS_Daily_Report_2007-10-02
From: "Steve Siegfried"
To: "Caldwell, Dwayne"
Cc: "Ryan-Bunger, Gisela

Since we are introducing ourselves, I'm Steve and I like long walks on the beach and a nice chardonnay with my roasted duck. LOL.

Steve Siegfried
WING Investigator
HIDTA Investigator


•

Subject: RE: DHS_Daily_Report_2007-10-02
From: "Flowers, Monique"
To: "Steve Siegfried"
Cc: "Ryan-Bunger, Gisela

I’m a Sagittarius and am from York, PA…

Monique Flowers
Harley-Davidson Security
1st Shift Asst. Supervisor


•

Subject: RE: DHS_Daily_Report_2007-10-03
From: "Lee, Margaret"
To: "Lee, Jeanene M"

I am from the great state of LOUISIANA.

Margaret Lee
Infrastructure Protection Grant Specialist
Governors Office of Homeland Security & Emergency Preparedness, Preparedness Section


•

Subject: RE: DHS_Daily_Report_2007-10-02
From: "Smith, Michael B. Mr OASA\(I&E\)-Plexus Contractor"
To: "Wight, Collins"
Cc: "Ryan-Bunger, Gisela

Dear Mr. Alex Greene (the guy who started this mess),
May the fleas of a thousand camels infest you armpits and may a yak in heat make love to your shin.


•

Subject: RE: DHS_Daily_Report_2007-10-02
From: "JHF Security Command"
To: "David A. Africano"
Cc: "Ryan-Bunger, Gisela

STOP.. this is the Command Center and i keep getting your messages.
Rea.


•

Subject: Re: DHS_Daily_Report_2007-10-03

Well as long as we have a free for all going here, I'm job hunting. Anybody have anything open out there?

Mary Brown, DVM, MPH
(LtCol USAFR)


•

Subject: RE: DHS_Daily_Report_2007-10-02
From: "Strohman GS11 Jeffrey T"
To: "Tripathy, Rasika"
Cc: "Ryan-Bunger, Gisela

REMOVE
REMOVE
REMOVE
REMOVE
REMOVE
REMOVE
REMOVE
REMOVE

JEFFREY T. STROHMAN
AT Training Program Manager
ISS, Camp Lejeune, NC 28542


•

Subject: URGENT REQUEST FROM DOD RE: DHS_Daily_Report_2007-10-02
From: "Kinder, Mike"
To: "Taraba, Joseph"
Cc: "Ryan-Bunger, Gisela

This is your COMBATING TERRORISM OFFICE for DOD asking you to kindly stop now please. We actually have work to do.
Not to be a buzz kill but this is NOT a networking tool. I will make a list of these responses to have all of you removed if it continues.
Thank you.

Michael Kinder
Infrastructure Protection
SETA Support to the TSWG


•

Subject: RE: DHS_Daily_Report_2007-10-02
From: "Meyers, Charles L CTR OSD POLICY"
To: "Taraba, Joseph"
Cc: "Ryan-Bunger, Gisela

As a representative of the Department of Defense, I am ordering all to cease and desist with the emails! I'm a Sagittarius and it's overcast here in D.C.! :-)

Charlie Meyers
OASD (HD&ASA)


•

Subject: Re: DHS_Daily_Report_2007-10-03
From: "Bynum, Sarah J SPGI CWCS"

Well I am in jordan and this is costing me a fortune. Sent from my blackberry. Best regards. Sarah Bynum -----


•

Subject: RE: DHS_Daily_Report_2007-10-03
From: "Palmer, Joseph H"
To: "King, James M"

Jim,
If you happen to get near Golden, Colorado, stop by our plant for a tour of the world's largest single site brewery and a terrific product line from Coors!
Wonderful fall weather here in Colorado!! This is a better networking opportunity than the ASIS conference in Vegas last week

Joseph H Palmer Jr
Corporate Security Manager
Coors Brewing Company


•

Subject: RE: DHS_Daily_Report_2007-10-02
From: "Slick, Scott S. BUMED Contractor"
To: "Eric Hamilton"

WOULD EVERYBODY STOP HITTING REPLY TO ALL!

Scott S. Slick, CHS-III
Battelle Memorial Institute
Navy Medicine Office of Homeland Security (N35)


•

From: TechGuy
Subject: Fwd: Please do not use "reply to all" button
Cc: DHS Daily OSIR Distribution List

Are you serious? Is this actually the official response and remedy for this issue?
I have refrained from commenting up till now as to not perpetuate this issue, but this sort of response is unacceptable and just goes to prove why so many lack faith in our government and government agencies.
How about utilize some common measures to ensure that others are not allowed to send to the list. Its actually pretty simple and common place to do.


•

Subject: RE: DHS_Daily_Report_2007-10-02
From: "Bass, Michael L SFC 94TH RRC"
To: "Chris"
Cc: "Ryan-Bunger, Gisela

Im a Sagitarius from NY. My only fault is that I am partial to V.O. on the rocks as I cut into my rare Porterhouse!

SFC Michael L. Bass
94th RRC
Command Security Manager


•

From: Jonathon Bangler
Subject: Vegas Anyone?
To: DHS Daily OSIR Distribution List

Anyone want to plan a gathering in Vegas?


•

Subject: RE: DHS_Daily_Report_2007-10-02
From: "Joseph Key"
To: "Darrel West"
Cc: "Alex Greene"

Does anyone have high level media contacts? This would make a great story for the national news.


•

From: "Alan Steinberg"
To: "'Bob Dart'"
Subject: RE: DHS_Daily_Report_2007-10-02

Bob,
I would expect that the list would be worth something!
What if someone was running for political office had access to the list and just wanted to plug themselves. Perhaps say something like "I'm Alan Steinberg, and I'm running for U.S. Congress." Or even plug their website, by saying "Please visit www.steinbergforcongress.com"
Oh wait... I just did it =D

Alan Steinberg
Candidate, U.S. Congress, TX-22


•

Subject: RE: Unsubscribe!
From: "Arlt, Timothy J."
Cc: DHS Daily OSIR Distribution List

Larry,
I applaud your reaction it was mine as well. I sent a message to the DHS message board stating the following: Very distributing that the so called "security stakeholders" would use this exploder list in this manner! It is obvious that this message from DHS is reaching an audience that has no clue about security nor how to use what relevant information is presented. DHS needs to tighten control and security of these messages!
I apologize for adding an email to your already expanding inbox, but I wanted to convey to you that you are not alone. This event has left a severe distaste and dissatisfaction with many of your peers.

Tim Arlt
Nebraska Public Power District
System Control Manager


•

From: "Bob Dart"
To: DHS Daily OSIR Distribution List
Subject: RE: DHS_Daily_Report_2007-10-02

I like the SANS blog post: "dozens" of e-mail replies. Dozens wouldn't be nearly as funny as the 200-some that you guys have managed to send so far.
And where did all the funny go, anyway? Sure, endless "take me off this list" messages are pretty funny themselves, showing us how clueless so many "security professionals" can be, but they're no match for long, virtual walks on the beach in between scuba diving. Come on, I expect more from you! Don't make me do work!
By the way, anyone know how much money someone can get for a list of 200+ e-mail addresses of government security professionals?


•

Subject: RE: DHS_Daily_Report_2007-10-02
From: "McBride, Donald"
To: "Bob Dart"

Is there going to be a prize for the 300th response?
Maybe a bottle of wine for those with a sense of humor, or a CD on how to configure your email to delete messages for those without.


•

From: "Amir Ferdosi"
To: DHS Daily OSIR Distribution List
Subject: Is this being a joke?

why are so many messages today?

Amir Ferdosi
Sazeman-e Sana'et-e Defa'
Qom, Iran


•

From: Marshall Odom
Subject: Give it a read you may see yourself in here!!!!!
To: Amir Ferdosi

Wow a reply from Iran!!!! Open source really does mean open source!!!!! For those of you that have responded to this email from an official computer with your snazzy little signature at the bottom, especially those that have every piece of contact information listed, including those of you that have disclosed sensitive phone numbers and classified email addresses have knowingly provided this information to people all over the world some of which I am sure are deemed "undesirables'. Folks wise up. This is an open report that anyone with an email address can subscribe to. Although some of you responses have been humorous to say the least (leave poor alex alone) you are opening doors to people that you do not want to. I notice some of you are in jobs that use this list as a way of staying informed although you have no true capacity in the world of infrastructure security and I applaud you for using this tool to stay abreast of all the information provided. But those of you that are in the military or provide services through any official office you should know better than to advertise who you are and who you work for. The best tool that someone can use to gain access to information they should not have is to befriend you and what better way than through some harmless emails. besides now they have all your information. This is trade craft 101 folks. Wise up and don't reply to something just because you can. I know that I now have access to hundreds of IP addresses, email addresses, phone numbers, names of personnel in sensitive positions and locations, I am only a cover story and a fake letterhead away from trolling for intel. James Bond made it look cool but in it's most simple form intelligence gathering can very easily start right here.Not good folks, and don't blame DHS for this, no one forced your hands to type. Besides DHS is not some all knowing autonomous being, it is staffed by people just like us; human and fallible, add some computers to the mix and well......here we sit. In closing I would like to say thanks to all of you that serve our country in whatever capacity you may find yourself; from nurses to night-watchman and soldiers to salesmen, we all contribute to this great country and I thank you all.

No Apology Needed, but maybe an explanation...

So there's more to the story from the blog I posted "Rescued", but isn't there always a bit more to the story?

This part has to do with another ex-boyfriend who happened to get rather harshly judged based on the performance of the guy I talked about in the earlier post. He even gets his own music....



He and I dated briefly months ago and when we broke up for reasons that weren't apparently clear but later became bluntly stated (my understanding) that he just didn't want to waste his time with someone he knew wasn't going to be the person he eventually wound up with. I, of course, was too absorbed with how he could tell I was missing some unique quality that would make me the perfect permanent fixture in his life to really evaluate what an asshole he was.

Anyway, he had spent several months/years tracking down the men who had served with his grandfather (who died when he was 2 months old) in WWII and he had written a book about the experience and his interactions and interviews with the 40 or so veterans he had tracked down from his grandfather's unit.

Being the history buff (especially WWII) that I am, I had agreed to read and edit his manuscript and when we broke up, I agreed I would continue the task.

When I finally returned the manuscript to him a few days ago, I just really let him have it. Told him he was really self involved and completely lacking in empathy, which was a deal breaker for me. I was mean, I was horrible. I told him I was only there returning the manuscript to demonstrate that I was the better person.

Why?

Why on earth would I be so mean? (In the voice that can be heard by other people? I'm frequently a total bitch in my internal monologue, but that doesn't really count since no one ever hears it...)

Let me start with a quick explanation of how we judge people in my family. It is based solely on how they treat others or more specifically other members of the family. You could be a Nobel prize winning multi-billionaire philanthropist who provides vaccines for children in SouthEast Asia and Africa and provides college scholarships for orphans in Darfur, but if you also beat your wife and refuse to help your own children out with health insurance and basic dental care that they need, you're still an asshole.

Case in point: in college, I had a friend who dropped acid, had promiscuity issues, dressed goth slut, had a marijuana habit and smoked, but she got me into the hospital when I needed it and was always there for me. My parents adored her. My roommate, who was little Miss Perfect, ready for presentation to all parents, but as my mother put it, always out for herself, got far less adoration ~ even fifteen years later...

Because of all this, I tend to judge people rather harshly on how they respond to me when I'm sick and at my worst. It is a rather important part of my life, after all.

The whole manuscript thing was a disaster. Of all the unsolicited advice I received concerning it (and there WAS quite a bit), it ranged from "don't even think about reading it" and "don't provide a single constructive edit" to various creative and violent means of destroying said manuscript. NO ONE supported the idea of me actually reading and commenting on the book. But I felt very strongly that I had given my word and we were, after all, still friends.

So, somewhere in the midst of all this, my allergies and inflamed sinuses caused my migraines to flare up. I missed a ton of work. Spent an inordinate amount of time in sensory deprivation and was in a whole lot of pain.

The ex would email about the manuscript and I would tell him I was having real problems with migraines. Then nothing for a few weeks and he'd check in again. He couldn't even be bothered to drop a simple "Sorry to hear you're not feeling well. Hope you feel better soon." email.

So I started thinking, maybe we really weren't friends. I mean, a friend would have jotted off the little email, right? A FRIEND would show a little consideration. And I started feeling REALLY used. And I started getting REALLY pissed off for all the times I had defended him.

How does this relate to the earlier post I've linked to?

Comparison and Worthiness.

This whole time that I was having this one sided friendship and realizing it, I was also realizing the degree of loyalty and compassion that another person was not only capable of, but capable of showing for ME. It seems rather ridiculous that it was just dawning on me now, but finallly, the life lesson kicked in. I am entirely worthy of someone who will not run for the emergency exit when my life gets ugly. I deserve someone who holds on tighter the worse the storm gets. Why would I put up with anything less?

A few years ago when I was going through this particularly bad time ~ you know, when it seems like absolutely everything is going wrong because basically it is? ~ I got dumped by this jerk who actually had the nerve to tell me, "I just can't handle your drama of the week."

And yes, I did want to scream at him!

Are you fucking kidding me?! Do you think this is my life?? I would have checked out long ago if this were normal!!

But at the time, I kind of accepted his excuse. I acknowledged his weakness and since there wasn't much less I could think of him, just added it to the pile when my anger finally simmered down to pity.

I won't be accepting that anymore.

So when we finally met up to return the manuscript, I just let him have it, so to speak.

Maybe he didn't deserve it, but I don't think I owe him an apology. He brought it on himself...